Lightly edited from our original Medium post.
There are a lot of cutesy phrases surrounding sexual consent — at my college consent workshop the catchphrase was “consent is sexy.” But the truth of the matter is that consent isn’t just some fun sexy thing to sprinkle on top of sex. It is mandatory for sex. Nonconsensual sex isn’t a thing. It’s called sexual assault. But we don’t get enough education on what consent means — we should be taught the basics of consent from a young age. Teaching things like “no, you don’t have to hug Aunt Jenny if you don’t want to” or “it’s ok to tell Bobby you don’t like it when he pinches you” are a good place to start teaching about consent and bodily autonomy. This is our mini guide for those looking to brush up on consent — what it is and isn’t, how to ask for it, and how to give it.
TL;DR 📚
- Think FRIES: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific
- Communicate before things get hot and heavy
- When in doubt, stop
- Both affirmation and nos are important
What Is Consent?
The legal definition of sexual consent varies state-by-state, but at the bare minimum it is an agreement between two or more people to engage in sexual activity.
In addition to adhering to basic consent violations (people who are asleep or incapacitated as cannot consent and neither can minors), many people use the F.R.I.E.S framework to describe the conditions that need to be met for a sexual encounter to consensual.
Freely Given
Consent must be given without coercion, intimidation, or threats of violence. In addition to physical violence or direct threats, red flags might look like emotional manipulation (“if you don’t sleep with me it means you don’t love me”) or using a position of power(“you do want that promotion, don’t you?”).
Informed
Just like your doctor should tell you all the side effects before you start a new medication, it is each sexual partner’s responsibility to disclose any relevant information so that they can make an informed decision. Whether you’ve been tested recently, have any STIs, what kind of relationship you are interested in, and whether you have other sexual partners are all things to discuss before engaging in sexual activity with someone.
Enthusiastic
It’s a fuck yes or it’s a no. If you or your sexual partner seems unsure about something, take that as a sign to slow down or move on to something else. It is also important to tune into your partner’s body language. Are they leaning in or pulling away? Do they seem relaxed or anxious? Staying present with your partner is not only better for sexual pleasure, but it is also part of ongoing consent.
Specific
Unless explicitly stated (such as through a prior “blanket consent” agreement), consent to one act is not consent to another. While you may start a conversation with “wanna hook up?” it’s important to get specific about what a hookup means to each of you.
How To Ask For Consent
One thing people worry about is how to ask for consent without killing the mood. But there are many ways to ask for or give consent while keeping things hot. Asking questions in bed can be a sexy way to find out what your partner is into as well as being a part of ongoing consent. (Ongoing consent means that consent to one thing isn’t consent to another, even if you’ve done it before with your partner, and even if you’re in a long term relationship.)
When Asking Try…
“I think these are in the way, can we take them off?”
“What if we try…?”
“Harder? Faster? Slower? Softer?”
When Giving Affirmation Try…
“It feels so good when you…”
“Don’t stop.”
“Touch me here.”
Own Your No, Own Your Yeses
Some people, especially folks socialized as women, may feel more uncomfortable voicing their needs during sex. Compulsory heterosexuality teaches people assigned female at birth to focus on pleasing men, abandoning their own desires and boundaries. This affects our daily lives, from putting on a tight-lipped smile when a man makes an inappropriate comment, to faking your way through painful sex. To all that, we say, fuck that. Tell them “no, I don’t like that” or “that doesn’t feel good, let’s try something else.” Physically resist if you need to and are able. No is a complete sentence. On the flip side, be honest about what turns you on. “Fuck yes, I want you to put your __ in my___.” Own your power and your pleasure, babe.
[If you do find yourself in an abusive situation or the survivor of a sexual assualt, there are resources to help you. And it is never, ever your fault.]
Can You Consent While Using Substances?
As much as we’d rather say the answer to this is black and white, it’s not. The party line is that you cannot consent under the influence of drugs or alcohol, but never having sex after sharing a blunt or a couple glasses of wine is simply not in line with real human behavior. So where’s the line? How do you know if your partner is too drunk or high to consent? What if you’re both wasted? Two things to remember are: 1) whoever is initiating or leading sexual contact is responsible for gaining consent and 2) when in doubt, stop. It’s always better potentially miss out on getting laid than to violate someone’s consent. Use an abundance of caution, particularly with someone you don’t know well.
[Another important note: if you are regularly getting so drunk or high that you aren’t sure about your ability to give or receive consent, you may want to reexamine your relationship with substances. It may be a bandaid for something else you’re dealing with deeper inside.]
The Bottom Line
Giving and receiving consent are essential parts of a healthy sexual and romantic life. Friendly reminder of a few things that are not consent: what someone is wearing, flirting, previous hookups, their sexy Instagram, their job as a sex worker, anything else other than actual consent.
Sources
- https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent
- https://www.teenvogue.com/story/consent-how-to
- https://www.ashasexualhealth.org/understanding-consent/
- https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent
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