Those of us who are cis (or who shrug our shoulders and say, eh, my assigned gender is close enough) don’t often spend the time thinking about gender the way that trans, intersex, genderqueer, agender, and other non-conforming people do. But when I thought to myself, “How do I know I’m a woman?” my mind went through an entire conversation with itself.
- I feel best in a traditionally feminine gender presentation
- But presentation ≠ gender
- She/her feels pretty good and other pronouns don’t
- A pronoun does not a woman make
- I love typical “girly girl” things like musicals, fashion, baking, and pink
- I don’t really have to say it, right?
- I feel really connected to my heritage as a Black woman in America
- That feels closer, but…
- I just am a woman, ok?
- Fine.
Have you ever had a similar conversation? I think it’s important for us all, but especially cis people, to spend time reflecting on their gender. I say “especially cis people” because interrogating gender norms, biases, and transmisogyny should NOT only fall to trans people. We are all affected by these systems and we should all collaborate on building a liberated world. Like sexuality, gender is deeply personal and our understanding of our own can fluctuate many times throughout our lives. For example, someone may always identify as a woman but become less or more attached to the label, have a different understanding of what “woman” means to them, or develop a more nuanced relationship with how they are gendered and gender themselves in the world.
The question then, is perhaps less, “how do I know what my gender is, for sure,” but “how do I want to express myself and be referred to regarding gender, in this moment?“
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself periodically if you want to create a practice of reflecting on gender.
- What gender did I consider myself or was perceived as growing up?
- Does my gender feel like mostly performance? Did it in the past?
- As a young person, did the performance “work?” In other words, did people perceive me as the “right” kind of girl/woman or boy/man?
- If someone referred to me using different pronouns than I use now, what might that feel like?
- Have I thought about using a different name?
- What do I feel in my body when I look at myself naked in the mirror******
- Would I feel like I could express myself differently if my body looked different?
- Has my sexual or romantic attraction changed throughout the years?
- Is there anything I’ve been pushing aside in myself? (See below meme)
- Do I have a favorite outfit that makes me feel like hot shit?
******this question intersects heavily with other intersections of identity such as race, ability, fatness, and sex assigned at birth, all of which affect how we perceive ourselves and are perceived with regards to our gender
These are just a few off the top of my head. While they are targeted towards people who are cis, mostly cis, or questioning their gender, I think anyone could take these and run with them.
The final optional question for some people is something like “ok, if my gender is different than what I thought, what do I do???” First, take a deep breath. It’s not a test, there’s no time limit or correct answers. Sit with it. Roll around the thoughts on your tongue, or share your feelings with a trusted confidant. I’d also consider finding community online or irl, whatever is possible for you. You don’t need to work out things like pronouns, whether you want to try a different name, or anything else, all at once. Though everyone’s relationship to gender is different, you don’t need to go it alone.
One of the most important things to remember in all this is that you don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to how you present yourself, how you identify, or how you choose to share your gender identity.
And sometimes, you have to throw up your hands and quote Ru. “We’re all born naked and the rest is drag.”
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